348 pounds. Three. Forty. Eight.
I should say that it's pathetic for me. For those of you who are confident and love yourself even when you're close to 350 pounds, please continue to love being exactly who you are. I have no idea what it feels like to love being exactly who I am, and a big part of it, the majority of it, all of it, has to do with my weight.
The scale read 348 this morning. This isn't the highest it's been, but it's close.
I have been 175 pounds. It's the lightest I've been as an adult and I was content at that weight. 175 put me in a size 10 (I'm tall) and that was perfect to me. I do not strive to be a fashion-model size. But I didn't get to 175 in a good way. It's too long a story to convey, but let's just say that I did stupid things, that I thought were smart and healthy, and they got me down to 175, but because of them I also easily put back on hundreds of pounds quickly. Now I'm anywhere from a size 24 to 28.
I have been overweight my whole life, but I didn't lead the torturous life depicted on after-school specials. I wasn't teased in school, or if I was it was behind my back and I never knew about it, and I'd rather have it that way. I had a lot of friends. I went to a lot of parties. I felt a lot of love around me. Inside, though, I felt so insecure and was always waiting for when the teasing would begin. That's what movies and television told me would happen, after all.
And I suppose those movies and television have helped shape the way I feel about myself. Overweight women are depicted as laughable, not attractive, and unworthy of...well, pretty much everything. Love. Money. Success. Those things don't happen to a woman if she's overweight, or so we're told, but I have internalized these things so much that I'm starting to assume they are fact.
Most people wouldn't think that I believe all these horrible things about myself because on the outside I project confidence, but inside I beat myself up more so than anyone else could. And the sad thing about it is that I can change it but I haven't been.
I can lose weight and have self control. I've done it in the past. Today is the day that I try doing it again, and this time doing it for good.
This blog is for me to be honest with myself about this process. If you choose to read it, welcome, but I'm really doing it for me.
So it begins.